it begins...

so it's about 730am, the day i move to japan. i already reset my laptop clock so that it reads 1130pm japan time. actually, i did a lot last night. even despite how little sleep i've gotten over the past two weeks slaving away on my thesis, i couldn't even sleep a wink. all my stuff was already packed since the weekend. i dunno how to explain it, but i think sometime around 2 and 3 am, when i would normally go to sleep, everything just hit me.

yes, i really am moving to japan.

i've said a million times that this has always been a dream of mine. and i've done the moving away thing before, but this is different. maybe these are the anxieties people feel before they go off to college for the first time.

the past two years that i have been home have been a whirlwind. it's been so hard to balance the social life i had during my time on my own in los angeles, to being back with my parents. then throw in having to figure out a whole new social scene while trying to maintain old connections. car accidents and illnesses. oh and those drama-filled relationships.

my past two years living at home and going to grad school have been a huge growing stage for me personally. for once, nothing worked. failure, inability, and just plain bad luck really gave me a new perspective not just on the world, but also on myself. yes, the world is far from perfect. and yes, i'm really not as i brilliant, handsome, and funny as i like to think i am.

i'm not saying just yet that i think i'm going to fail in japan. in fact, i don't even really have any plans or expectations, so since there isn't anything to fulfill, i'm not worrying too much.

but what i am worrying about is failing at the things that i know i shouldn't. my decision to move to the other side of the world doesn't just affect me. it affects my family, my friends, and other people that i really don't want to let down. i worry about everything i'm going to miss: birthdays, weddings, maybe even funerals. and that gets depressing.

but, that's my personal challenge. i can say now that i won't be with so many of you in person over these next few months or even years. but i'm going to try my best to be with all of you in spirit. i'm so thankful for everyone who has helped me become the person i am today, and i just hope i can be there for you all in whatever way i can.

come to think of it, i just made a plan that i need to work on, so let's make sure that i don't fail this time. so keep me updated, or else expect to hear from me. man, where we we be without the internet....

alright, it's official

i just booked my flight to tokyo for wednesday, september 27th. less than two weeks to go. after having such a desire to move out there as soon as possible, finally the fears are beginning to manifest themselves. for example:

1. what if my application to audit classes gets denied?
2. how am i supposed to make any friends?
3. can i find any circles to participate in? band? hip-hop dance? snowboarding?
4. what if i have problems with my citizenship?
5. will my speaking/reading/writing improve at all?
6. what are the chances that i can find some kind of job?
7. will i involve myself with japanese politics, or just be an onlooker?

over the past couple weeks, i've been spending a lot of time hanging out with those i don't get to see much. i've realized how amazing it has been to reestablish these friendships, but now that i have, it's time for me to disappear for awhile. a long while. will i be missing out on local opportunities? is this really the right decision? and how long am i even going to be gone?

the irony is that none of these questions have any answers. well, at least not yet. the non-refundable one-way ticket has been paid for, and i have no remaining choice but to throw away these doubts and embrace the unknown. wish me luck!

here are some pictures from the awesome going-away party my parents threw for me. tentatively, i'm planning on coming back late-march/early-april to eat mexican food. uhh i mean for the association of asian american studies annual conference. hopefully i can see everyone again then!!